So I started this blog for therapy basically. I have been waking up in the middle of the night recently and I can't fall back to sleep. I have deducted that it is stress. So here I am destressing. I guess I am also hoping I can gain insight to my deep deep deep down feelings. Right now I have no idea what I want or what to even do. I am talking long term mostly. I think of all the things you hear about problems that step parents and their children have and I can't stop thinking that is going to happen to us. I am going to do my best to be civil/almost friends with Clair and I am going to do my best to treat that step-daughter as my own. A lot of step parents I know do not discipline their spouses child. I can tell you right now that I will raise my kids the best way I know how to and when Lily is at my house she will be treated as one of my children. Come back in 5 years and see what I say. I told my husband today, "I swear to you this is going to be the most functional blended family in the world, if it's the last thing I do." I am still undecided as to whether or not that is the best attitude to have...Who knows. I guess we will figure it out as we go.
I have been battling with the loss of my "fairy tale life." The life I had always wanted, but now I had it all. The great husband, beautiful son, nice suburban home, 2 cars, no worries in the world besides when your mortgage is due and what your kid just ate, and along comes Lily. And it's not her fault. She should not be punished for the drunken mistakes of her parents. But I feel a little bit of resentment towards her. I know that it is wrong and it really has nothing to do with her, but I can't help it. I am also afraid that this resentment will turn me into the evil stepmother despite all my intentions to be a fair and wonderful role model in this little girl's life. She desperately needs someone!
We went to the park with Clair and Lily and Clair informed us that over the weekend, Lily wondered into the middle of the court in front of their house and sat on the street, because Clair was getting too busy dumped in the pool. I don't really think of clair as a halfway decent mother. I hate her. She sucks. I'm sure there will be much more of that to come. She is "The Cunt" in my phone as of right now.
Onward down my path of fairy tales and the evil step mother.



*all names have been changed to protect those involved, but mostly to be able to write whatever the hell I want*